[Oa- o-/ Pa- o-/ Qa- o-/ Ra- o-/ Sa- o-/ Ta- o-/ Ua- o-]
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who would leave work earlier, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
Old age is the punishment for having lived. --E. M. Cioran
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other nine hundred and ninty-nine follow women. --Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government. --Edward Abbey (1927-89)
"Paul, what can make the long and winding ‘road’ broad ?" "Let it ‘b’, John!" --Take Moon OK (1963-)
A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling:
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. --Mark Twain (1835-1910)
A preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.
Procrastination--I'll deal with it sooner or later.
A railroad conductor minds the train; a zen master trains the mind.
A sailor goes to sea; broken clocks cease to go.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. --Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Shortly after takeoff, the pontiff began a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
"Somewhere in the world, a woman is having a baby every minute, day and night." "Why don't we find that woman and stop her?"
A strapping man walks into a bar and shouts out, "Who's the strongest person inhere?" The toughest guy looks at him and says, "I am the strongest person around these parts!" The strapping man politely asks, "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year. --Marty Allen
Television is a chewing-gum for the eyes. --Frank Lloyd Wright (1867?-1959)
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker went into a restaurant in London. The waiter said, "Excuse me, but you might not be able to have steak as there is a shortage."
The Texan said: "What's ‘a shortage’?"
The Russian said: "What's ‘steak’?"
The New Yorker said: "What's ‘excuse me’?"
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. --Bob Philips
There are three things I always forget. Names, faces--the third I can't remember. --Italo Svevo (1861-1928)
There are two women carpooling to work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat. The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?" The blonde replies, "Yes." The brunette says, "Are they behind us?" The blonde again replies, "Yes." "Are they close?" asks the brunette. Again the blonde replies, "Yes." The worried brunette asks, "Are they going to stop us?" The blonde's only response is a confused "I don't know." The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?" The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes...."
There may be said to be two classes of people in the world--those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.
There is only one thing worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about. --Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Three out of four Americans make up 75 percent of the population.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. --Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
To work is the greatest thing in the world. So we should save some of it for tomorrow. --Don Herold
"Two is company and three is none, then what are four and five?" "Nine."
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Casher-- "Well they must be for your sister then?" Nine year old-- "Nope, not for my sister either." Cashier, curious now-- "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?" The nine year old says, "They're for my four year old little brother." The cashier is surprised-- "Your four year old little brother??" The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"
Under capitalism man exploits man. Under communism it's just the opposite. --John Kenneth Galbraith (1908-)
The United States, I believe, are under the impression that they are twenty years in advance of Britain; whilst, as a matter of actual verifiable fact, they are just about six hours behind it.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. --Dennis Ritchie