[Aa- o-/ Ba- o-/ Ca- o-/ Da- o-/ Ea- o-/ Fa- o-/ Ga- o-]
Alcohol is a good liquid for preserving almost everything except a secret.
An Amish boy and his father visit a mall. They're amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that move apart and back together again. The boy asks his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responds, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father watch wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continue to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls open up again and a beautiful young woman steps out. "Son," the father says, "go get your mother."
Anger is only one letter short of danger. --(Anna) Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)
Any student will tell you that the longest five minutes in the world are the last five minutes of a lecture, while the shortest five minutes are the last five minutes of an exam. --Karl Newell
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interest he takes in her. --Agatha Christie (1891-1976)
"At what time was Adam born?" "A little before Eve."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people. --G(ilbert) K(eith) Chesterton (1874-1936)
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." ... When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office. --Robert (Lee) Frost (1874-1963)
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong. --Charles Wadsworth
Common sense is very uncommon. --Horace Greeley (1811-1872)
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. --Joseph Campbell (1904-87)
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway--why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there?
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on. ---
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Death is the final exam we all fail. --O. A. Battista
A dog is the only friend you can buy for money. --Joey Adams
Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while. --Kin Hubbard
[Ea-]▲The efficiency rating of an employee:
An eight year old boy asks his mother how old she is. She replies, "It's none of your business." He asks how tall she is, and how much she weighs. She replies the same. He asks why she and Daddy got divorced. The reply was the same. He goes out to play with his friend and relates the incident. His friend tells him he can get that information off of his mother's drivers license. Later, after sneaking into her purse, the young boy confronts his mother. "Mother, you are 30 years old, you're 5'4" tall and weigh 135 pounds!!" "Well, smarty pants," she replies, "If you're so smart, why did your dad and I get a divorce?" "That's easy! You got an 'F' in Sex!!"
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. --Robert Orben (1927-)
Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it. If you are sick, you shouldn't take it. --Henry Ford (1863-1947)
The fastest runner in history was Adam because he was the first in the human race.
A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was the President of the United States."
The fence around a cemetery is foolish, for those inside can't get out and those outside don't want to get in. --Arthur Brisbane (1864-1936)
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally you forget to pull it down. --George (Nathan Birnbaum) Burns (1896-1996)
God says to Adam, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is: I'm going to give you a brain and a penis; The bad news is: I'm only going to give you enough blood to run only one at a time."
A good neighbor is a fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn't climb over it. --Bugs [Arthur] Baer (1886-1969)
The great thing about suicide is that it's not one of those things you have to do now or lose your chance. You can always do it later. --Henry Fierstein